I survived another holiday unscathed and no fatter (no skinnier either).  Last winter, the holidays of 2008, I vaguely remember thinking “I really shouldn’t have one more cookie, one more serving, one more dessert” but ultimately, I did have one more serving, one more cookie, another piece of cake (”well, I really can’t pick one over another, so I guess I will try them all! It is a holiday after all…”).

This year is different.  What people call a turning point.  Getting ready for my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding on January 04, 2009, in a borrowed designer dress and new shoes, I simply did not feel confident.  Going to my best friend’s salon and getting my hair and makeup done boosted my mood very little.  Seeing pictures of the reception surfacing only two days later on facebook, a bulge at my midsection, wide hips, flabby legs… I had had enough! No more extra food, no more desserts containing a days worth of calories…the battle line was drawn.  I started my diet and slowly began to shed weight.  I have lost over ten pounds and have almost reached my goal weight, so the battle is nearly won, but not the war.  There will always be a civil war within myself, one side fighting for health, life and self-love: the other side fighting for indulgence, addiction and self-loathing, which culminates in guilt and resentment (of both myself and others).  It is not that good always triumphs over my darker side, but I have tipped the scales in favor of restraint through conscious decision making and deliberate thinking.  I found better habits to replace old, undesirable traits.

I keep reflecting on the past because it encourages me to pursue the future.  Now when I don a designer dress and new kicks, I don’t even need a new hairstyle to make me feel like I look fabulous.  As I say this, I want to point out that looks aren’t everything.  What people generally find most attractive in others is their attitude and presence, usually a positive disposition exuding confidence.  Because I feel better about the way that I look, my confidence and attitude reflect the healthy and positive change that has taken place in me in the last 5 months.  I am feeling happier and more optimistic everyday and I can be happy in the moment.

On the technical side, Monday weigh in was 151.2 pounds.  Exact same as last week.  I call that steady progress.  This is my last crazy week of work, next week marks the new chapter, June 1 and beyond, 25 years old and after, a crazy new week of new workouts, yoga and gardening.